Helping with Difficulties
What do I do when...?
Focusing sessions don't always go smoothly. Sometimes the process seems to slow down or even come to a stop, like a flowing river dammed by a huge stone. The Focuser may feel frustrated and the guide may be puzzled about how to help. Here we talk about some of the typical situations where you may be wondering what to do, and some ideas about possible ways to respond.
These suggestions are meant to illustrate an overall philosophy, and to be a starting place. When you are actually sitting across from someone, tune in to them with your empathy and let your creativity flow. Sometimes you'll be wrong, or not helpful, but you know how to help the person back to what felt right, so being wrong is not so bad. Being so careful that you never made a mistake would be much worse!
CLOSE PROCESS
Helping with overwhelm—feeling "too much"
"It's too much."
"It's too scary."
"It's choking me."
"It's too intense."
Urgency in voice: "It's pressing in on me." etc.
A person who is feeling overwhelmed in relation to their emotional experience is
identified with a part of them which is afraid, and dissociated from the scary emotional experience itself. They feel that they are afraid (ie they are the fear) and the experience they are scared of is somehow Other.
The guide needs to help this person move into Presence with both of these parts.
And first, the guide needs to be in Presence, remembering that the process can be trusted and nothing bad can happen here. (Nobody died from Focusing yet!) Give a reflection from this place of compassionate confidence, using Presence language.
Focuser: “I’m so scared of this feeling.”
Guide: “Yeah... You’re sensing something in you is so scared of this feeling.”
Eventually, you will guide the Focuser to acknowledge both sides of this drama,
both the scared part and the scary one. But first, as with all guiding suggestions, listen for a while, until you have a sense for an opening for guiding.
Focuser: “I’m so scared of this feeling.”
Guide: “Yeah... You’re sensing something in you is so scared of this feeling.”
Focuser: “It’s so strong.”
Guide: “You’re really sensing how strong it is.”
[pause]
Guide: "So you might want to acknowledge something in you that’s scared of that
strong feeling. Like you can be there with both of them, the strong feeling, and the one that’s scared.”
Refreshing Self-in-Presence through body contact
Presence language isn’t the only way to support Presence. Another important way is to remind the person of their contact on the chair, the support they can feel from the chair and the floor, the body’s contact with that support. We usually do that in the Lead-In, but a person who is tending to feel overwhelmed can benefit from being reminded of that lower body support all through the session.
The process itself will usually signal when such a reminder is needed.
Focuser: “I’m losing touch… feeling kind of spacy…”
Guide: “OK, maybe this is a time just to feel your body in the chair again, feel your feet and what they’re touching, feel the support beneath you… and maybe even open your eyes for a bit and look around the room… so you can feel how YOU are the larger space that can hold whatever comes in you.”
Inviting qualities of Presence
Another way to invite Presence is to give the Focuser invitations that include
qualities of Presence, like this:
“Maybe you could gently say Hello to it.”
“See if it’s OK to be with it in an allowing way.”
If those invitations don’t seem to be having much impact on the Focuser’s
overwhelm or identification, you might try checking directly if they’re working. This will open up the chance to help with whatever the difficulty is.
Guide: “So I’m just wondering if that feels possible for you, to be with it in a gentle and accepting way.”
Focuser: “I really don’t know how to do that. It just feels like me.”
Guide: “Ah, OK! Well, one way that helps might be to let your hand move gently to the place where you feel that. Like you’re saying to it, with your hand, ‘Yes, I’m with you.’ Just notice if that feels possible to do.”
Using a hand for Presence
Inviting the Focuser to “let a gentle hand move to that place” (I like that better than “put your hand there”) can be an extremely helpful way to help the Focuser experience Presence and “being with” in an embodied way. For this to work well, there first need to be a body location.
Focuser: “I’m feeling so anxious.”
NOT: “You might let a gentle hand move to the anxious place.”
RATHER: “Maybe you could sense where in your body you’re feeling that the most, the anxious feeling.” (
Focuser: “It’s in my chest.”
Guide: “And maybe you could let a gentle hand move there, to the place in your chest that feels anxious, like you’re saying to it with your hand, yes I’m with you.”
I’ve found that this is a great intervention with feelings of anxiety especially, and
all forms of fear. Of course if you see a person’s hand moving to a body location, it’s nice to reflect that verbally: “And your hand is going there.” If you sense it would be helpful, you can add something like, “Like with your hand, you’re saying to that place, Yes I’m here with you.”
The second acknowledgment: how strong it is
After the Focuser acknowledges the side that is scared of the emotional experience, the emotional experience itself needs to be acknowledged, and usually, if it is this overwhelming, its strength and intensity also need to be acknowledged.
"So you might say to the one that feels so strong, that you really sense how strong it is."
Another example:
Focuser: There’s this strong constriction in my throat, it’s really uncomfortable.
Guide: Maybe you could acknowledge that it’s there, and also acknowledge how uncomfortable it is.
Notice in that last example that “constriction” is the beginning of a description, and maybe the guide will return later to invite the Focuser to check that word. But the word “uncomfortable” is not a description of the felt experience, rather an expression of its intensity and of the Focuser’s relationship to it. So we would never say, “You might check the word ‘uncomfortable’.” We might say, “And something in you finds it uncomfortable.”
When Presence is hard
Part of what it means to “feel too much” or be in Close process is that Presence can be hard to find. If people tell you that Presence is hard, empathy for that with “you’re sensing” (but not necessarily “something in you”) helps them feel accompanied in what they’re going through.
Focuser: (about a place inside) “She feels really alone.”
Guide: “She’s letting you know how alone she feels.”
Focuser: (with tears) “She feels like me right now.”
Guide: (in a sympathetic tone) “You’re sensing she feels like you right now.”
Another example:
Guide: “You might just acknowledge that place that feels so sad.”
Focuser: “It’s hard to acknowledge.”
Guide: “So just noticing it’s hard to acknowledge. That much you are noticing right now.”
Teaching Presence language
Some people need session after session to slowly strengthen their sense of Presence with overwhelming material. The key for the guide is not to get caught in the identification. Even if the Focuser is having a hard time experiencing that they are more than their scared feelings, you can remember. You may need to spend a long time simply reflecting with Presence language, when it hardly seems as if they notice. That’s OK.
And, if they ask you for help with it, one thing to do is to teach them Presence language too.
Focuser: “This is so hard. I’m just a mess.”
Guide: “Something in you is saying, ‘This is so hard, I’m just a mess.’”
Focuser: “I feel helpless.”
Guide: “Something in you is just feeling helpless.”
Focuser: “I wish I knew how to get some peace with this.”
Guide: “Yeah. You’re sensing how much something in you is longing for peace
with this.” [pause] “And you might try saying it this way: ‘I’m sensing...something in me feels...’”
Focuser: “I’m sensing something in me feels helpless and I’m tired of feeling that
way.”
Guide: “See if it would be OK to say it this way: ‘I’m sensing something in me
feels helpless, and something in me is tired of feeling this way.’”
Focuser: [big breath] “Yes!”
When not to use Presence language...
Because Presence language changes what the Focuser said, it may not sound right to them. If you first say it as they said it, and a little later bring in Presence language, this will usually feel smoother and they will find it fits them better. As always, if the Focuser repeats what they said, it’s a request for you to say it back exactly.
Focuser: “I’m so angry!”
Guide: “Yeah, you’re really angry right now!”
Focuser: “Why did they have to take the last one away?”
Guide: “Something in you is asking, why did they have to take the last one away?”
Another example:
Focuser: “I’m so angry!”
Guide: “You’re sensing something in you is so angry!”
Focuser: “Not something in me, it’s me!”
Guide: “It’s you that’s angry!”
DISTANT PROCESS
When it’s hard to feel anything at all
“It’s blank in there.”
“I’m not getting anything.”
The opposite of “too much” feeling is “too little” feeling, and this can be from a
number of causes. The Focuser may be
(1) unfamiliar with body feeling
(2) having an inner experience but not “counting” it
(3) identified with a part that doesn’t want to feel anything, which is often
connected with feeling unsafe in the session
A lovely intervention that actually helps with all three of these states is to wonder if they might be aware of feeling something “good”—something positive or pleasant. Either they are—and that becomes something they can feel and describe—or they aren’t—and that is something that they can describe. Furthermore, the permission given to feel what is there helps them to feel safer with you.
Focuser: “I’m not getting anything.”
Guide: “OK... So maybe your body is feeling good right now.” OR
“And you might notice if there’s a place in your body where you’re feeling
something positive or enjoyable.”
[Note that the guide does not reflect eg “You’re not getting anything.” This falls
under the principle of “Don’t reflect what’s not there.” Reflection is to help people
resonate and stay with what they do feel.]
If people aren’t used to sensing in their bodies, they may be “looking for
something” instead of just sensing. (Can you feel the difference?) The following has often happened to me:
Guide: “.... and when you’re aware of something, you might let me know.”
Focuser: [after a pause] “What am I supposed to be looking for?”
Guide: “Maybe you could just describe what you are sensing right now.”
Focuser: “Well, there’s this tight band across my chest...”
People who are unfamiliar with body feeling may need some help to “evoke” felt
senses — evoking being stronger than inviting. This is an evoking suggestion:
“You might ask, in your body, if you can feel fine about how your life is going.” Or, using an issue that the Focuser has mentioned: “You might ask, there in your body, if it feels fine as you remember your divorce.” (This is why, if you don’t know much about the person, it’s a good idea to find out at the start of the session what some possible issues are for them.) These evoking suggestions would not be a good idea with people who already feel strongly!
When what comes is very faint, vague, or subtle
“I can hardly feel it.”
“It’s very faint.”
“I don’t think I could describe it very well.”
The causes for feeling something vague or faint are similar to the causes for feeling nothing. In fact, after a person has been feeling “nothing,” the likeliest thing to happen next is that they will feel something very faint, vague, or subtle. They may even have been feeling it all along, and called it “nothing” because it was hard to describe, elusive, and “indefensible.” They may have as little faith in this elusive, faint feeling as they had in the “nothing” that preceded it.
Your gentle reflection can support their faith in this hard-to-describe “something”
they are feeling.
Focuser: “I can hardly feel it—I don’t know what it is.”
Guide: “You’re sensing something there...” [pause] “Maybe you could just be with that, sensing it as it is right now...”
Notice that this guide (1) reflects without using any negatives (not “You can hardly feel it” or “You don’t know what it is.”) and (2) guides the Focuser to “be with” what’s there. When something is very faint, vague, or subtle, even moves of acknowledging and describing may be too strong/much for it. Simply being with it is most likely to encourage it to stay, and to stay around long enough to get a bit stronger—at which point the Focuser can begin to describe it.
Hopping around or popping out
“I’ve got a tightness in my chest… now there’s a heaviness in my stomach… my
neck is aching…”
Sometimes a Focuser’s way of starting could be described as “hopping around” or moving from place to place. The process seems unable or unwilling to stay in just one place. I would suggest that this is a natural way of starting for some people or for some circumstances, and that we simply stay with it in a trusting way, reflecting and inviting that descriptions could be checked. (Saying Hello is unlikely to be helpful for this type of process; it may even be part of the problem. If you’ve been inviting people to say Hello and their process hops around, stop the Hellos and go back to inviting just sensing.)
One Focusing trainee wrote about some of her clients: “When they finally are
touching something, then they open their eyes and sort of look at me as if they´ve just sensed something about themselves and they just can´t believe that’s true. So it´s much popping in and out all the time.”
Let's understand this "popping out" as something that needs to happen for safety.
Like if you have to touch something hot, you do it in little touches. So we let them pop out, open the eyes. We meet those open eyes with a reassuring gaze.
In a little while we invite them in again... "So a little while ago, you found that
sadness there, where you thought it was only anger. I'm wondering... you might go see if that's still there..."
Slowly over time, perhaps over many sessions, the rhythm of popping out changes, they can "stay in" for longer and longer. It's all OK, it's just what needed to happen.
The hopping around way of starting may be about safety too.
When it is shy or hiding
When the Focuser reports that something is hiding, or that it’s shy, this is
wonderful. Why? Because the “something” is already alive, already communicating. So we’re delighted, and it’s OK to express this in our tone of voice. Then we want to make sure the Focuser knows to let It hide, and honor its shyness.
Focuser: “It’s hiding.”
Guide: “Ah! You’re sensing that it’s hiding! So be sure to let it know that it’s OK
to hide. It doesn’t have to come out.”
Why would something hide? Because it needs to be safer, surely. So by treating it with respect, including respect for its choice to hide, we enable it to feel safer.
As a guide, you can remember something that the Focuser may not know: that the ‘something’ can communicate from a hiding place. It doesn’t have to come out. The Focuser can have a relationship with it, in hiding, and sense a lot. It’s like having a relationship with a hiding child. You can still tell much about its mood, even while it is hiding. You can even say these things to the Focuser.
When It Disappears
“It’s gone.”
“I don’t feel that any more.”
When something disappears, one possible cause is that either the guide or the
Focuser has just given an intervention (usually a question) which was too strong. If that was the reason, the “cure” is to get the question out of the way, and invite back the last way the felt sense was experienced; see “When Whatever You Suggested Doesn’t Work” below.
However, there are other times when a felt sense disappears, and there are three main possible things going on. First, this may be something so faint, vague, and subtle that disappearing is simply part of its repertoire. (See “When What Comes is Very Faint, Vague, or Subtle” above.)
Focusing is a skill of awareness; people do space out and lose concentration. We shouldn’t interpret this as “resistance”; we should just help. It’s a bit like losing your place and then finding it again. Especially people with Distant Process may experience this fading out and coming back. It’s natural for them.
Focuser: “I seem to have lost it.”
Guide: “So just be in the place where it was, and invite it to be there
again.” (Notice, no reflection! Having lost it is not a presently felt experience, so it does the Focuser no good to have it reflected.)
If there had been a possible description and/or location, the guide can often help just by mentioning those.
Focuser: “I seem to have lost it.”
Guide: “So that was something in your stomach... and you sensed it was
tightness...”
Focuser: “Oh, there it is again.”
I conceive of this as being willing and able to go back a step or two, until we pick
up the thread from which we can go forward.
If the felt sense was brought by sensing into an issue, this invitation can be
repeated.
Focuser: “I seem to have lost it.”
Guide: “So you were asking in your body, how am I about that whole
relationship thing.”
Focuser: “A knot in my stomach.”
One thing a new Focuser may not be very practiced in, is how to keep awareness with an issue or keep coming back to an issue. We can help them do that. This may sound like a kind of fresh invitation, after we hear from the Focuser that, for example, everything is gone now. “So remembering that whole situation, remembering that relationships have been hard. There’s some way that’s all sitting in you right now…”
Whenever a felt sense returns, it’s probably good to just check the description
briefly. “And maybe see if ‘tight’ is still the right word for it.” Sometimes it will need a new description.
In keeping with our orientation to whatever is here in the present, it isn’t so much
the past felt sense that we want to bring back, but rather whatever is here now.
Focuser: “I seem to have lost it.”
Guide: “So that was something in your stomach, right, and you sensed it
was tightness.”
Focuser: “It’s not there now.”
Guide: “So notice how you would describe how it feels in your stomach
now.”
Focuser: “Now it’s more queasy...”
Notice however that when something lessens, that is not the same as disappearing.
Focuser: “It’s almost gone.” OR “It’s loosened.” OR “It’s lessened.”
Guide: (reflects, then:) And even though it’s almost gone [or whatever],
maybe you’re sensing that it is still there, even a little.”
Focuser: “Yes, it’s still there.”
Guide: “So maybe just continue keeping it company as it is...”
Disappearances may also have to do with a part being shy, or an unacknowledged part interfering with staying with this one. See “When it is shy or hiding” above.
When Whatever You Suggested Doesn’t Work
“That’s too hard to do.”
“Nothing’s coming.”
“I’m not getting anything with that.”
If you suggest something, and the Focuser gets nothing, you can be 99% certain
that your suggestion wasn’t right for them somehow. Most likely it was either too soon or too much. Treat the Focuser’s report of “nothing” as feedback on your suggestion, and welcome the opportunity to back up or rephrase what you suggested in another way.
Guide: “You might ask in your body how it feels in there about your whole
life.”
Focuser: “I’m not getting anything. My whole life is too much.”
Guide: “Ah. So maybe there’s one issue that’s up for you these days... And you might ask in your body, how it feels about that.”
It’s important to help people let go of a suggestion that didn’t work for them. The
most likely thing you’ll want to help the Focuser do, either if something you suggested didn’t work, or if they get lost or lose connection with something for some other reason, is to help them back up, go back to the immediately previous felt experience.
“Looks like that didn’t help… Well, the last thing you were feeling was that
heaviness in your chest. I’m wondering… maybe you could sense if that’s still there.”