Supplemental Manual
- D) Deepening Contact
“You might let it know you hear it.”
Whenever the Focuser reports that the place says something, or wants something, it can be very helpful if you, the companion, remind the Focuser to let it know that s/he hears it.
Focuser: “It doesn’t want to talk much, it just wants to be there.”
Companion: [OK] “It just wants to be there.”
[Better] “So let it know you hear it, that it just wants to be there.”
Notice how this adds a whole other dimension to the session, beyond giving a listening response. If the companion says, as in the first response, “It just wants to be there,” then the companion is listening to the It. However, by saying, as in the second response, “So let it know you hear it, that it just wants to be there,” the companion leads the Focuser to listen to the It. Since the Focuser is the most important listener to their own inner world, and since listening improves the quality of any relationship, the companion adds a helpful dimension by suggesting that the Focuser be the inner listener.
Another example:
Focuser: “It seems to be saying that it wants me to stay with it some more.”
Companion: “So let it know you hear it, that it wants you to stay with it some more.”
See how the companion follows the instruction to “let it know you hear that” with a quoted listening response, so that the Focuser will find it as easy as possible to do the instruction.
(Remember our cardinal principle of helping the Focuser be successful by making our suggestions easy and possible.) However, it doesn’t have to be done that way:
Focuser: “That place is letting me know how hard it has been working.”
Companion: “So really let it know you hear that.”
This can then be combined with a suggestion to check and sense more:
Companion: “So really let it know you hear that, and see if it feels understood by that [or ‘really complete with that’], or if there’s a sense of more there.”
This kind of suggestion also serves to avoid the kind of conflict between parts that would arise if the person thought they had to do what the It was asking.
Focuser: “It’s letting me know that it’s tired, and it wants me to quit my job.”
Companion: [silence]
Focuser: “I’m explaining to it that I can’t do that.”
But compare:
Focuser: “It’s letting me know that it’s tired, and it wants me to quit my job.”
Companion: “You might just let it know you hear that it wants you to quit your job, that that’s how tired it is.”
Focuser: “Yes.”
These invitations to the Focuser to (in effect) give listening responses to the something are very powerful in supporting the inner relationship.
Focuser: “The whole thing is not really about the breakup with my girlfriend, but there’s just something so hard about going it alone.”
Companion: “It’s letting you know there’s something so hard about going it alone… and just really letting it know you can understand how hard it is.”
It’s especially important to companion the Focuser to a compassionate relationship with parts that are feeling mistrustful or angry of the Focuser. The suggestion to say back to it what it is saying is the ideal way to invite compassion.
Focuser: “It’s telling me it isn’t sure it trusts me.”
Companion (OK): “Maybe you could be compassionate to that.”
Companion (Better): “Maybe you could just say to it, ‘Oh, you’re not sure you trust me.’”
This invitation to the Focuser to let It know they hear It is a further enhancement of the Inner Relationship, in that you are guiding the Focuser to be an active listener to their inner experience, without responding to it first. Listening makes the Inner Relationship even richer, just as it does when another person gives us this kind of listening.
Sending empathy
In some sessions there comes a time when the Focuser needs to do more than just listen to the inside place. It can be helpful to ask the Focuser to empathize with it, and to have the Focuser say something like, “No wonder you’d be feeling X, if Y happened to you.” Or, “Of course you’d be feeling X, if Y is how it seems to you.”
Here is an example:
Focuser: “It’s so tired. It’s exhausted. It had to be ready to guard me all the time.”
Companion: “And maybe you could send it some empathy, and say to it, ‘No wonder you would be tired if you had to be ready to guard me all the time!’...”
Phrases used to send empathy are “no wonder” and “of course.” We’ve discovered that these phrases are especially helpful when the “something” seems to be holding an outmoded belief.
Focuser: “It’s scared. It thinks anyone can just knock over its protection and come into its space.”
Companion: ”Maybe you could say to it, ‘No wonder you’d be scared if it seems like anyone can just knock over your protection and come into your space.”
We aren’t disagreeing with the belief, nor arguing with it in any way. We aren’t even naming it “a belief,” which sounds doubting. But by having the Focuser empathize with a “no wonder,” we are containing the belief as something held within the part, at the same time that we are affirming how understandable it is. This tends to have a remarkably releasing effect.
Hearing more
As long as there is still “something” there, there is still something more to be heard.
Perhaps the Focuser will say, “I let it know I heard it, and it relaxed a little, but it’s still there.”
We have seen elsewhere that it is not a good idea for the companion to ask the Focuser a question. These same reasons also apply to the inner relationship; it is usually not a good idea for the Focuser to ask “it” a question. Instead, the Focuser needs to be interested and open to hearing what “it” wants to communicate, and we the companion need to facilitate that interested and open attitude.
“You might let it know you’re interested in any more it might want to show you or tell you” is preferable to “You might ask it what it wants to tell you.” The former is simply more likely to work, to bring a further opening of process; whereas the latter, an instruction to ask an inner question, will often bring a blank stare or a vanishing of the feeling. Questions are pressuring, and just like ourselves, our “Its” don’t like being pressured!
Another nice phrase is, “You might notice if there’s more that you’re sensing that you haven’t quite put into words yet.”
What we don’t say: “You might ask it, if it could speak, what would it say.” This phrase I have heard used by people with training in other methods is not recommended, for all kinds of reasons.