Supplemental Manual
- C) Settling In
The Settling In stage occurs after “something” is there and after the Focuser has come into enough contact with it, usually by acknowledging and/or describing it, to be able to continue to deeper contact. In our bottle analogy, the Settling In stage is the “shoulders” of the bottle, where the narrow neck begins to widen into the fuller part of the bottle.
This stage can and should be done in very tiny baby steps, for maximum effectiveness.
Getting stuck in the stage after this one (Deepening) can almost always be attributed to going too quickly in the Settling In stage.
There are three parts to the Settling In stage, and we recommend doing all three of them, even though the differences between them may seem very small.
Settling In #1: Sensing if its OK to be with it. Use one of these 3 reminders/ self-instructions.
“See if it would be OK to be with that.”
“See if it would be OK to keep that company.”
“See if it would be OK to spend some time with that.”
These ways of saying it are all about the same. It’s important to use a phrase like “see if it would be OK” at the start of this invitation, because we are genuinely interested in any part that doesn’t find it OK to just be with this. (If such a part turns up, you would invite the Focuser to acknowledge it, and to sense which of the two needs attention first.)
Settling In #2: Sitting with it, with interested curiosity. Use one of these 2 reminders/ self-instructions.
“Maybe you could sit with it, with interested curiosity.”
“You might just sit with it, like you’re wanting to get to know it better.”
This “baby step” adds the concept of getting to know it better, or interested curiosity--in other words, it suggests the attitude with which the Focuser is with it.
Settling In #3: Sensing from its point of view
“Maybe you could sense how it’s feeling from its point of view.”
The third part of the Settling In stage is to invite the Focuser to sense how “it” feels from “its” point of view. Perhaps the person had been treating the sense distantly, from the outside, instead of really empathizing with it. This suggestion brings empathy inward, into the sense itself.
When a person doesn’t yet know how to find this attitude, they will tell you how they feel rather than how it feels. They will be like the new Focuser who, when asked how it felt, said quickly, with a grimace, “It feels like I want to get rid of it.” The companion would say, “Yes ... and see if you can also sense how it feels from its point of view.”
Another way of phrasing this might be, “Send empathy into it and see if you can sense how it sees the world.”
A good reason
Especially if the person senses the place as adversarial, it can be helpful to say, “Let’s assume that it has some good reason to be there, from its point of view, and just take time to sit with it and wonder what that might be.” I have found this phrase, and the attitude it embodies, to be increasingly important and useful.
Even if you are careful to phrase your suggestions with no questions in them, you will still encounter people who respond “It doesn’t talk,” or “It doesn’t seem to be saying anything.” This would be your opportunity to clarify that talking is not the main way that felt senses communicate anyway. I would say something like, “Yes, it doesn’t talk. And actually, it may not ever talk. It may communicate with you some other way, like with moods or feelings. You know how you can sit with a friend who isn’t saying anything, and you can sense what mood they’re in? In that same way, see if you can sense what mood this part of you is in.”
The power of its emotion
When the Focuser can sense Its emotion, from Its point of view, a turning point happens in the session. The all-important relationship between the Focuser and the It is more fully engaged, more alive, more meaningful. Therefore the companion can be helpful by staying aware of this question: Has the Focuser yet sensed Its emotion? What suggestion might I give that could facilitate that?
Sometimes, if sensing its emotion is difficult, it can be helpful to invite the Focuser to make some guesses about it. It’s as if this helps to teach them how to sense its emotion.
Focuser: [sensing a ‘constriction’] “I don’t know, I can’t seem to get any emotion from it.”
Companion: “So you might wonder if maybe it’s a sad constriction, or an angry constriction, or a happy constriction, or…”
Focuser: “It’s not happy.” [pause] “It’s scared.”
Remember, even inanimate objects can have emotions in the inner world. If the Focuser is sensing something like a wall, or a rock, or a knot, It can have an emotion.
Focuser: “It’s like there’s this big concrete barrier right in the middle of my body.”
Companion: “You’re sensing something like a big concrete barrier, right in the middle of your body. … You might see if it’s OK to just be with that. … Maybe sit with it, with interested curiosity. … And you might sense how It feels from Its point of view.”
Focuser: “It’s very determined.”
Inner children are ideal for sensing the emotions of.
Focuser: “She’s got pigtails and she’s swinging on a swing.”
Companion: “You might want to sense her emotion, her mood, as she’s swinging there.”
Focuser: “She’s feeling lonely.”