Seven Rules for Care and Feeding of Your Focusing Partnerships
by Ann Weiser Cornell
Focusing partnership is precious. Everyone I know who has stayed with Focusing and who has fully experienced its life-changing benefits, has done so by being in long-term Focusing partnership. So it’s very important to know and be aware of what you need to do to take good care of your Focusing partnership relationships. Here are the most important guidelines. Please read them carefully – they could make all the difference in whether Focusing works for you.
1. Respect the agreed appointment time.
Respecting the agreed appointment time means showing up when you said you would, on time or early. It means not canceling for unimportant reasons, not canceling with less than 24 hours notice, and if you do have to cancel, to take the initiative to reschedule. Don’t leave your partner hanging. (Might a part of you be blowing off Focusing sessions because it doesn’t want to face your issues? Remember that you don’t have to Focus on your deepest stuff. For practice, you can choose to Focus on something light. As Focuser, it’s your choice what to Focus on.)
2. When starting a session, confirm that the two of you agree on the time boundaries and the Focuser’s requests.
The Companion starts each session by asking if the Focuser is sitting comfortably. This gives a clear signal that the Focusing is starting, and that the special rules for Focusing sessions are now operating. (This is no longer a social conversation.) Next the Companion asks how many minutes signal the Focuser wants to have before the end. This affirms for both people that the session is lasting a certain length of time, and that at the time signal (“You have about two more minutes,” for example) the Focuser will begin to end the session. Later in Level One, the Companion will also ask, “What would you like from me as a Companion?” The Focuser can make requests, and the Companion will check inside if these requests feel comfortable and do-able.
3. During a session, the Focuser doesn’t have to say what it is about, or explain anything to the Companion.
The process is for the Focuser. When it’s your turn to be Companion, you hold the space. You don’t need to understand the background, or get the details about what happened in the Focuser’s life. So as the Focuser, remember that this is your process, your inner relationship. Your eyes are closed, you are not making eye contact with you Companion (or whatever the equivalent is if you are on the phone). Any talking you do about the issue or situation is for you, to evoke the felt sense. It’s not to tell the Companion. Likewise, you don’t have to say anything about what your topic is. You can say, for example, “Something happened today, and I feel a big lump in my throat.”
4. Divide your time together into equal turns. Take your turn, and end your turn when the time is up.
People are different. Some have a lot going on, a lot of the time. We call that "Close Process." Some people, like me, usually think before a session starts that nothing will come. That's called "Distant Process." Both kinds of people can and do get a lot out of Focusing. They can even get a lot out of being partners for each other. But the Distant Process Person should not, repeat not, be tempted to give away their time to the Close Process Person because the Close Process Person seems to need it more. They don't. Everyone needs Focusing. (Besides, a person who is upset or going through a tough time can get a lot out of being the Listener: a feeling of centeredness, the self-esteem of being able to be there for someone else....)
The turns don't have to be at the same time: some partnerships have a deal where one week is one person's turn, and the next week is the other person's turn. That's OK. It's even OK if one of you always wants to go first and the other one always wants to go second. The only thing that's not OK is not taking your turn, because that alters the power relationship of the partnership, and marks one person as "needier" and the other as "the giver." Giving away your turn is not a trusting thing to do, neither trusting in the other, nor in your own process. Trust, and take your turn.
On the other side of the coin, if you happen to be the partner with the Close Process, be scrupulous about finding a comfortable stopping place for your session when the agreed ending time has come. If you're full of feelings, of course there will be a temptation to go over, especially if you're enjoying the space your partner gives you. Don't. Stopping on time is part of what you can do because you are Self-in-Presence, and a responsible partner.
5. The Companion takes responsibility for his/her own feelings during the session.
I'd recommend saying "Hello, I know you're there," silently, to any feelings of your own that come up while you're listening to the Focuser. That may be enough. There is no need to share them. In fact, better not, not even after the session is over. They're too likely to infringe on your partner's content.
If your turn is next, there may be a way to sensitively Focus on your issues that were triggered by your partner's work. If you can really own them as yours, not in any way "about" your partner, it should be OK. If you're in doubt, you can check with your partner by briefly describing what you want to work on and asking if that would or wouldn't violate their space. This sort of mutually inspired work can actually be rewarding for both people.
If you’re not aware of your reactions, they can emerge as criticisms, judgments (of the Focuser or others in the Focuser's life), advice, or rescuing behavior. The urge to give advice, rescue, help, or judge may well be coming from a place in you that is having a hard time just being with the Focuser's process. Be alert for the urge to help, fix, or rescue. These urges can be golden signposts that there is something in you that needs some company.
6. The Focuser is sensitive to the few topics that may violate
privacy boundaries for the Companion.
Ordinarily, the Focuser is free to choose any topic to Focus on, and also to choose to Focus on something but not say what it is about. But there are a few topics that, for social and cultural reasons, intrude on the Companion as well. It’s true that Focusing sessions are not social conversations but these conventions do still apply. Details of sexual fantasies or descriptions of genital feelings would be a good example. You are not there to take care of the Companion, but don’t stop being sensitive at this basic level. We don’t say this to be judgmental, but simply to honor the realities of social conventions about privacy and boundaries. (You can still Focus on such matters without saying them out loud.)
7. After a Focusing session, discuss the process but not the
content.
The content of the session is what it was about. So if the Focuser was Focusing on her relationship with her mother, the content of the session is her mother, and mothers in general. We don’t discuss the content after the session, which means, in this case, nothing like, “My mother is like that too,” or “Mothers can be hard to deal with.” Especially not advice, like,“Here’s what I did about my mother.”
To the Companion we say: “Don’t bring up the topic of the Focuser’s session, ever.” Not even a week later, “How’s your mother doing?” To the Focuser we say, “It’s not a good idea to talk about the topic of your Focusing right after the session.” We draw a line around the content. Both people leave it alone.
This can be hard, because our social instincts say, talk about the topic you know is there. It’s probably interesting… and you probably don’t know much about the other person to talk about instead. But Focusing partnership is not a social occasion. Something is happening that is rare and precious. You have lots of friends, but few Focusing partners.
Why this strong boundary? There are two reasons. The first has to do with the nature of Focusing itself. Focusing rearranges your concepts, the building blocks of your thinking. The shifts that Focusing brings are still going on after the session. If you talk about the topic immediately after the session, you are
interrupting the process of change.
The other reason has to do with the vulnerability of Focusing. When we are Focusing, we are more open than at other times, and even innocent opinions from another person can feel like a violation. Not every time, but it happens, and it’s better to be safe. So the agreement all over the Focusing Community
is, No Comment on Content even after the session is over. So what do we discuss after a session? Process. We suggest you formally invite each other, “How was that for you as a process?” The response might be something like, “I enjoyed your tone of voice, it was nice and gentle.” Or, “I felt a bit awkward using the new language.” Or, “I’m wondering how it was for you when I was silent for so long in the middle there.” Or simply, “I felt honored to be with you.”
Summary
Seven rules might seem like a lot but the same spirit is at the heart of all of them: respect and trust in the Focuser’s process and in the preciousness of this special Focusing partner relationship. Treat it with care, and you will be rewarded with a safe and nurturing place for life transformation and support. Thousands of people are Focusing partners all over the world, and these relationships are easy and profound. Enjoy developing yours.